I got this new deodorant today.  The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome!!!
 

No-- the rumbling vibration that everyone thought was an earthquake...
 

Whats funny about that? It looks to be the truth, not a joke

Sold!

Groooooooooooooooooooooooooan!!!!!!!!!!

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
 
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft handles warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

 
And the best one for last..................

 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish.  He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.

 


With age comes wisdom.

 

 

How about this one then....

QUALIFICATIONS In a Purdue University classroom, they werediscussing the qualifications to be President of the UnitedStates. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen, and at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately startedin on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural borncitizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented manycapable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant,but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up herargument by asking: "What makes a natural born citizen any morequalified to lead this country than one born byC-section?" Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that justelected the new President of the United States

Dude, that one ain't funny cause it's true!! 

Natural born means that you were born in the USA  to parents that are citizens of the United States or a dependent of a member of the Armed Forces or diplomatic sevice if you were born on a foreign soil.  It has nothing to do with the way you were delivered...ie natural birth vs c-section.

Not sure....but I figured if I posted it sounding good, you might believe it.

Guts or Balls.

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?


In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

 
 

Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize on just two weeks into the office....oh wait that actually happened...sorry wrong forum 

Don't even get me started!!  Was it cause he bad mouthed all America does to the other countries?