A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately the locals always had a habit of picking on the newcomers.  When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen. 

The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling.  "Who stole my horse!!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.
 "I'm gonna havae another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas.  And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!!"

Some of the locala shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say there partner, what happened in Texas, anyway?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

  That's agood one.

Find out what may really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."





I probably fall under 16 of these

You know you're from the Twin Cities if...

You measure distance in minutes.

Weather is 80% of your conversation.

Snow tires came standard on your car.

You have no concept of public transportation.

75% of your graduating class went to the University of Minnesota.

You know more than one person who has hit a deer.

You know what and where Dinkytown is.

Perkins was a popular hangout in high school.

You have no problem saying or spelling Minneapolis.

You can list all the Dales.

You hate Fargo (the movie) but realize that a lot of your family talks that way.

You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.

Your school classes have been cancelled because of snow or cold.

You assume when you say "The Cities" people know what you are talking about.

You have tried boiled fish in lye at Christmas.

You've licked frozen metal.

The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks, to buy beer on Sundays or you got bad directions.

You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60 degrees.

You know people that have more fishing poles than teeth.

You remember WLOL and WDGY.

When you talk about the opener you are not talking about cans.

You have gone trick or treating in 3 feet of snow.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You drink pop, not soda.

Everyone you know has a cabin.

You voted for a pro wrestler for Governor...and he won.

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT OBAMA:


This just in !!!
Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game !!!

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year.


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have
not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's
Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

Funny!

 

Obama..  Is he related to Rick?????

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the h usband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.
 
'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.
 
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.
 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk

 

Nope.. we had our night together and parted ways. 

 I mean...it wasn't me...!!!   

The evidence has been destroyed...   Heard if from a friend of my cousin's ex-girlfriends uncles father-in-law stepmother.   

This joke is dedicated to 2 people. They know who they are.

HOOKER'S UNION RULES


 


 


 

 


   
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable,

hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.  'We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it! ' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around
the room, and pointed to a stunningly
attractive green-eyed blonde.


 



   

'I'd like her,' he said..

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a  92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'


 


     
NOW YOU Know what's wrong with the AUTO industry  :wav:GOT YA.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

SO  you got a problem with old people??? :wave:yeah.......yeah.........yeah..... but look at the experience, thats what counts. sorry, best comeback i got for now!!

Just makes it that much closer to the promised land.

But then that's what you get when you visit one of those places..If they all worked that way, there might be a few less of them.